Have you ever heard the phrase ‘comparison is the thief of joy?’ I have, but I still sometimes find myself wondering why someone else’s life looks so much better than mine. In the age of technology & social media, is it possible to not compare yourself?
Every other picture we scroll past is someone that has something we don’t have. Regardless of the topic, it’s easy to look at the good-looking parts of other people’s lives and forget the good of our own. At the same time, we happen to magnify the not-so-good. Can we stop this? Feeling overwhelmed by comparison is not abnormal— in fact, many of us do it. Let’s break it down and talk about how to conquer it.
What is comparison, psychologically?
It often seems impossible to not let at least a little crumb of comparison into our minds. It’s literally so easy to compare our lives to someone else’s. But why? Why is it so easy?
Exactly that. It’s easy for our brains to do. Comparison, at the end of the day, is really just a judgment. You see someone, you come to a conclusion, and you compare them to the person you know best: yourself. Here’s a theory that explains it very well.
The Social Comparison Theory
The social comparison theory was founded by psychologist Leon Festinger in the year 1954. It suggests that the way that people judge themselves is often based on how they judge others. It has two main characters: upward social comparison and downward social comparison.
Upward social comparison
Upward social comparison is comparing yourself to someone better. This may lead to us trying to better ourselves. It can, however, also lead to us beating ourselves up. I believe this is the more commonly practiced type of comparison. Please note that in most of this article I am describing upward social comparison used in a self-defeating way.
Downward social comparison
Downward social comparison is comparing ourselves to someone who seems below us. This is often done when we want to feel better about ourselves. Since we can clearly see that someone else is doing worse, we compare it to ourselves to determine us better.
So there you have it! Comparison is just a judgement that can go one way or another. While it’s simple to our brains, it’s not always so simple to our emotions. Let’s apply it a bit more practically.
A relatable breakdown of comparison & a simple way to reverse it in real time.
Have you ever found yourself saying any of the following things?
- “Their body is so fit, curvy, skinny, *insert attribute you don’t have or have trouble with.* They just look so much better than me. I will never look that good.”
- “Their home is decorated so beautifully. I mean, look at all those things they got from Kirkland’s. And how do they keep it so clean when they have three kids? I could never. I also couldn’t afford it. Nice to look at though, I guess…”
- “Their marriage just looks perfect. They are always posting photos of their dates in their nice outfits. I bet they’re just so in love. Sometimes I wish my spouse treated me like they treat each other.”
- “Their kids behave so well! I mean, how do they get them to all sit down for so many photos? I can’t seem to get a hold of mine…”
Now, I want you to see something here. Notice that every single statement starts with something positive and ends with something negative. What if instead of saying these things to yourself, you said them to the actual person? You would probably sound a little bit different…
- “Wow, you look so fit! That outfit looks great on you.”
- “Your home is decorated so beautifully. I love the things you got from Kirkland’s!”
- “You two seem so in love. A marriage I sure do look up to!”
- “Your kids seem like literal angels. They behaved so well for this photoshoot!”
Notice how I said basically the same thing 1. to the person and 2. without the negativity. You probably wouldn’t say directly to a person ‘gosh you look so much better than me, I’ll never look as good as you.’ It’s off putting, and sometimes can be offensive. But it still is the usual initial thought- rather than to encourage, compliment or uplift the other person. Why is it so easy to compare but difficult to compliment?
Overcoming comparison: the battle between envy & kindness
Many times, when we are stuck in a cycle of comparison, we are not encouraging the person we are looking at… even though we like what they have! Comparison breeds the vice of envy.
Envy is what stops us from encouraging someone else simply because they have something we don’t. I know they say when you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. But when you DO have something nice to say, SAY IT! Otherwise, envy will creep into many areas of your life.
It’s much harder to say the nice thing when overcome with envy. Isn’t it fitting that the virtue to combat envy is kindness? The first step of overcoming comparison is choosing kindness instead of envy.
Let’s move onto the next important detail when it comes to comparison.
Remember the big picture
Often times, comparison is done when we see something good we don’t have. But let’s be real, whether it’s on social media or in real life, the majority of people aren’t sharing every single aspect of their life. In fact, most of them are only sharing the happy parts.
When all we see are the highlights of someones life, and not the difficult, sad, or not-so-pretty parts, we unconsciously convince ourselves that those ugly things don’t happen to that person. We must understand that just because someone has something we don’t doesn’t mean their life is perfect. This is another key to stumping comparison.
While we may see the good things, lets not only consider that someone may be going through a struggle but they may be on a totally different path than you. Everyone’s journey is different. Someone may be years into something you just began. And if that’s the case, where is the sense in comparing yourself?
People will share the highlights of their story. And guess what? You can too! It’s okay if it looks different than someone else’s.
In summary, when you find yourself comparing: first encourage the person, and then remind yourself that they have their own life, path and struggles too. This helps us to not only be kind towards them, but we can relate to them, too!
Some more things you can do to overcome comparison
1. Unfollow, then follow.
For every great thing the internet has done, there is also something terrible. Social media breeds comparison if you do not take the time to curate your consumption.
Unfollow or mute people who make you question your worth, constantly compare yourself to them, or make you feel any type of negativity towards yourself. On the contrary, follow people who encourage, inspire, and uplift you. These things may seem trivial but often can make a tremendous change in your mindset.
Take control of what you consume because, whether you notice it or not, it affects you. It’s easy to blind ourselves to the good things in our own life when all we do look at is someone else’s. Fix your focus by choosing what & what not to look at. Trust me, it makes a difference.
2. Encourage & lift up. Habitually.
Like I mentioned earlier, comparison starts with good but ends with bad. Try to catch the good and halt it there. What is it that you like about this person? What do they have that you want?
After you notice that, compliment accordingly and move on. It’s normal to still kind of want it, sure. But don’t dwell on it and don’t hold back encouraging that person. Remember kindness is what overcomes envy. The more kindness you share, the less likely you are to have negative feelings when you see something good happening to someone.
3. Reflect & practice gratitude.
Take the time to practice gratitude and reflect on the good things you have. With a little effort, you will be able to find many things to be thankful for in your life.
Many times it’s easy to forget that good can exist in someone else’s life while also existing in yours, too. Maybe you aren’t thankful for the same things as others, but I bet you do have something to be thankful for. Reflecting on the blessings you already have can cause a major positive perspective shift and help keep comparison out of your mind. It’s as simple as this: rather than focusing on what you don’t have, focus on what you do!
4. Find purpose & inspiration.
A healthy body, well-behaved children, cute style, thriving marriage, unique creativity… these are all things that are good to want. Comparison makes it seem like we’ll never get there, and often times… that’s a lie.
It is not a bad thing to be inspired by others. It isn’t bad to want to better your health, relationships, or appearance. It’s bad when you start identifying yourself and others by these things. Ask yourself this: what is it in their life that you want that causes these feelings?
Look deeper to see if these things even fit in your own journey. Why do you feel the way you feel? Is it something you really want? If so, is there a way for you to pursue them? If not, why compare yourself in the first place?
Lots of questions, I know. But seriously, allow yourself to be inspired by these good things and remember that your life has it’s own journey. And if you reflect and find these things really aren’t fitting for your future, great! No reason to compare yourself.
This is simply diving a little deeper when you have these thoughts of comparison. It can help you curate what you do and don’t want for your future and make your goals and desires more clear.
5. Take some serious inventory of your time management.
If you find yourself often comparing, you may be giving too much time to the things that cause it. Take a step back from your phone, the TV, magazines, or anything that you think may be causing you these feelings.
In addition to the practices mentioned above, try to spend more time doing the things you love. Hobbies, reading, going outside, exercising. Find more time to pursue things that make you feel good, rather than looking at someone else doing them.
There you have it. My top tips to escape the comparison trap. Keep in mind this is a practice- it isn’t always easy, and it may not be a simple switch. However, it’s always good to add in more kindness, awareness and gratitude to your life daily. Hopefully I helped shift your perspective a bit. Thanks for checking out the article. Much love, and see ya next blog.
So true, you are wise beyond your years.